A Wake Up Call to My Cats. Yeah, right. >.>

AKA

A Rebuttal to the Open Letter to my Cats.


How do you love me? Let me count the ways.


1. Nothing quite says I love you like a nice juicy hairball on the floor. Right in front of a doorway or fridge. Oh, the colder it is, the more love there is for me. Thank you.

2. Nothing quite says I love you like a previously empty bowl with an inch of pee in it. That you took the time to break the no counter rule and actually -pee- in the -bowl-, not getting a drop on the counter, is just amazing. I feel the love.

3. Nothing quite says I love you like a dull thud coming from another room. However my prayers were answered when I discovered that noone was laying injured underneath whatever in the world it was that you managed to knock over.

4. Nothing quite says I love you like a pack of you bolting towards and passing me down the hall at full-tilt boogy-woogy as I am trying to navigate the narrow passage, sometimes carrying items. It is -so- good of you to show a compassionate attitude towards me.

5. Nothing quite says I love you like being greeted by no less than eight cats sitting on various surfaces in the kitchen. No no, don't worry about my concern to keep the area where I prepare food clean, so long as you are elevated, then we're all happy, right?

6. Nothing quite says I love you like breaking into my room in the middle of the night to mooch Num-Num's from Ebby. The extra show of affection by rubbing the soggy area against my MOUTH is priceless.

7. Nothing quite says I love you like letting your humans freeze to death. Yes, those magical things in the floor spit forth heat, but, alas, that heat is for the whole house. Of course, in your minds, it's magical danger gas! Thank you for saving us from it.


Guys. We feed you. Vet you. Love you. Pet you. Why oh WHY can't you behave?! Just a little! Just.. humour us! Just act like you're paying attention! Don't you want us happy!? *Weeps*