I just want to say, that it's kind of weird writing a letter to someone who will never read it. In more ways than one. I know now that you were never who you said you were, even when you vehemently swore that you were not someone playing online mind games.
I just want to say, that no matter who you pretended to be, I know in my heart of hearts, that you never 'pretended' to be my friend. I honestly believe that you cared about me in your way. You took time out of your day not only to listen to me when I was upset, but you gave caring advice and support. That is something a friend does. You cheered me up when I was blue, you put up with my bs. To me, you were real. Really real.
I never thought you'd hurt me. I never thought that you would turn your back on me and throw me away, all because of a secret you kept to yourself. Did you think I would judge you? Mock you? Hurt you in any way? Maybe you didn't know me well enough, because, even now, I still have a very special place in my heart for you. A place that is warm with fond memories. Oh, I knew that some of the stories you told were just that, stories, but it was ok, they still left a smile on my face. Did you feel guilty for the gifts I had sent you for Christmas? You shouldn't, because I wasn't giving them to a 'name', I was giving them to my friend.
I will never hate you, because you made me feel like a human being who mattered. You made me feel like I was special. And I thank you. I hope you still have fond memories of me.
I know that we have met again on another site. And I hope that you know it's me. I feel like you do know it's me, and I don't blame you for avoiding me. I wish you would speak to me. I don't care about the past. I would like to meet the real you. I think we could be pretty kick ass friends.
I just want to apologize to everyone whom I listen to, that I promise, just because I associate myself with your problem, or I say something about myself, that I am -very- interested in what you are talking about.
I just feel so selfish here lately, because no matter where the direction of the conversation goes, I always end up talking about myself; What makes me mad, how I'm feeling about something, something that is bothering me.
I promise, I honostly don't mean to be so self-centered, and I -honostly- care about what people tell me. I love to listen to others, and I value that my friends open up and tell me what they are feeling.
So, to everyone that I have hurt with my callous insensitivity, I heartedly apologize.
If anyone wants to leave me a comment, make sure you are a team member to my journal and have no problem to word verification.
I had a GREAT weekend. Thank you for coming down, Auto. It was wonderful. It was fun doing horsie things with you. I know you're going to kill me for posting our pics on here. *Snerk*
I have now been forced to hide comments. The MORON posted three times on three different entries, posting the SAME stupid thing. It just makes me want to grab their bangs, bring their head down in time to me raising my knee, and just forcing some sense into the person responsible for this horrible spamming. Actually, I hope the person responsible, who by the way, is so low life and has their blog turned off so other people can't retaliate, gets a ten pound case of the hemmerroids.
First off, for the most part, the dreams centered around Grandma's house. I dreamt that Darlene (From Roseanne) was my cousin or sister or something, and I was trying very hard to get into her life because she was a misunderstood outsider in the family and was being treated like the blacksheep.
There was an old farmer who rented a house that sat with it's back facing the road next to Grandma's. He was a nice old man in his way, a little goofy somewhat, and very animated. He stayed in the back of the dream while other things happened, like: When I found myself walking down the tractor drive in Grandma's yard, I noticed that our family cemetery had been moved to the field that lay beside the tractor drive, and I found myself wondering what chuck would do, because it was the land he was getting that was being forced to be the new cemetery. Wait, it may not have been exactly my family cemetery, because I remember wanting to speak to the graves and say Hello Family, because I wanted them to know that they were a part of our family now because they were newly interred on our land.
After I spoke with my mind mentally, I started walking down the road, passing the cemetery and I was walking with Auto and Missy (Mr. Bill's dog in Ala) but I believe Missy had changed forms to a little girl. I didn't worry about her, because I knew she was road wise and wouldn't stray from the very side of the road as we walked down it.
We get back to the house and I'm sitting with Darlene, I offer to trim her hair for her, because she's upset that her parents/someone had berated her for something. She declined and she's sitting there just kind of hurt and defiantly depressed. We were talking about her going off to college and I desperatly wanted to go with her, because I wanted to bond with her and be someone in her life that she could depend on. Through the venician blinds past the sink, something catches my eye and I notice that the transformer outside (IRL there is no transformer there or a pole from where I was looking) suddenly sparked, and it was just a powersurge, but I was like, "Whoa!" as my computer blinked out. That was the only thing that died, was my comp. I get up and go to a room where my computer is, and it's a huuuuuuge tower. Some little girl is in there, and in the dream, she -sorta- resembles Auto, but only in the computer knowledge way. Otherwise, she's just a little girl I've never met before. She has my comp turned around and I start it back up. For some reason, it starts making these grinding noises, these noises may be something I was hearing IRL because my dogs were going super stupid and barking themselves into a state of moronic bliss. In the dream, she takes the back off of the computer and I look inside and inside are all these spinning reels, and they have like, film or something on them, and what's causing all that horrible noise is just the ends of the film brushing the sides of the computer.
Well, we get the comp running again and before I know it, the little girl reaches in and pushes and emergency button, shutting down the comp. I freak out and am like, "What are you doing!?" but she pulls out some drawer inside and gets out a cartridge of either magenta or cyon powdered ink and starts to refil my printer ink. I was like, "Wow.. thanks! Now I need *Inserts colors here*"
Ok, we go back up front to the house, and the old man is back. I think he's a little drunk and careless now. I believe he also has something to do with the train/bus that Darlene is taking to school, which is more like an amusement ride than anything else. I remember a big deal going on about the man having something like that to do with the train/bus/amusment ride dealy and all the sudden, no one likes him anymore.
Then, before I woke up, I dream of Duo and Tohru, Tohru being a character that Una plays in our Rpgs from time to time. I dreamt that Una had these hugs rows of teeth, and Duo and Tohru are small, like barbie dolls, and she picks them up and bites their heads off, then starts explaining stuff like, "I had to bite their heads off, you'll see them twitch and they'll still give out a few whimpers." She's speaking like it's perfectly normal to be insane and bite someone's head off. And I'm about to ask 'how' they could whimper with no heads before she says, "Of course, they'll have to whimper through the holes in their necks."
Her teeth were like Nightcrawlers in X2 and Duo and Tohru didn't bleed any. I remember them being too terrified to move when she just bit their heads off. I even remember wonderng in the dreams if she would spit their heads out or chew them.
Then the stupid dogs woke me up barking. At least I was able to get out of the nightmare.
